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October 2008

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black crin

obskura in askpoly

How do I talk to my partner about norms in their other relationships that bother me, to the point that they have a negative impact on my relationship with them?

Comments

Wow. That's a really rough one -- if it were just during pregnancy/post-baby, I'd have a different response than if it were like that *all* the time.

My partners have a young baby, so I'm pretty familiar with what that's like (and I have a daughter myself, although mine is 16 at this point -- I still remember what it was like, though!) It actually IS perfectly reasonable to expect that, after a long day of breastfeeding and babywatching and not having any time to herself, for L to expect that C will be primarily responsible for the baby so that she can get some time to relax and chill out.

I don't know whether you have had children, but it really IS draining needing to spend 100% of your time in charge of them, and it's not unreasonable to expect your partner/s to take over in the evenings (especially since a breastfeeding mom is usually predominantly responsible for getting up during the night, and therefore usually doesn't get more than a few hours of sleep at a time.)

Now, if this dynamic was in place before the baby was conceived, and L had a habit of being disrespectful of your time with C, that's a bit of a different story -- you're the only one who can make that evaluation. But, honestly, given the circumstances, it doesn't sound 100% unreasonable . . . although C should have made sure that you had SOME uninterrupted time together and that every visit wasn't spent doing household stuff.

Frankly, though, L doesn't have direct responsibility towards you -- you don't have a right to criticize how she chooses to spend her time. *C* is the one who has a responsibility towards you, and he should have made sure that you had time carved out for the two of you.

Does that make sense?

-- A <3