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October 2008

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desire

lovelikepirate in askpoly

some questions...

I've been lurking for a while, but i am in a bit of a tough situation and i wanted to ask some questions that had been on my mind as of late.

In a situation with multiple partners who are all affectionate with one another (as opposed to a V arrangement), how do you define primary and secondary?

How do you define need of a partner?

i have more but im not sure how to phrase them.

Comments

Why do you need to? You're just a group. Here is my partner boy/girlfriend, and this is my other partner boy/girlfriend.

I'd only worry about primary and secondary if you lived with one but not all, or were legally married to one of the partners.
i do live with one and not all though.
It's still up to you. You can introduce the one you live with, or the one you feel you have the most intimate (emotional, not always sexual) relationship with as your, "primary," and the others, "secondaries," you can rank them all, "primary, secondary, tertiary," or you can just go with, "my partners" or "my boy/girlfriends"

Do you feel that you will confuse other people when you talk about your partners if you don't rank them? Try just introducing them by their names and let everyone else catch up at their own speed.

I have two partners, I call one my husband and one my boyfriend but the only difference between them in terms of my emotional connection is that I have a piece of paper from the government that says my husband and I have responsibilities to each other.
I have one primary partner at the moment but I'd like two. I think you can have as many primaries as fits your situation, or not use the term at all. :)
The first part for me is easy, and it doesn't have to be everyone affectionate with everyone: I don't define. I love who I love, and I don't use the terms. However, my boyfriend does, and he'd see himself as my secondary and my husband as my primary (if that makes sense).

The second question, honestly, I don't know what you're asking. Can you Clarify?
What do you mean, "need of a partner?" How much time, or what kind of time do you want from your relationship with that person?

Depends on what you're asking for. Depends on who you and your partners are. I need to cuddle a lot with both partners, and I need a partner that's comfortable being cuddled a lot. Someone else might need a lot of voice contact, and will need a partner who doesn't mind having someone call in to them a lot.

Basically groups only work if everyone knows what they want, and are able to express it and ask for it from the group.

The biggest problems have less to do with jealousy, and have to do with allocation of time and misunderstandings about how to spend their time, "How come you got to spend a half hour cuddling with her on the couch, and I was only able to have lunch with her, but because we were in public, we weren't allowed to touch?"

Try having everyone write out what they expect and need from everyone else and see where you wind up.
I'd have to concur with the general consensus here, why do you need to define "primary/secondary"? What purpose does that serve?

None of my partners are primary or secondary. My relationship with tacit is my relationship with tacit. My relationship with datan0de is my relationship with datan0de. His relationship with femetal is his relationship with femetal, etc. Each relationship is defined by itself and by the people in it. Even relationships that appear to others as "primary" are often very different from each other.

It's a lot easier when you just see each relationship as being unique, rather than trying to put them into cubbyholes. They are all my "partners" (or whatever term you want to use for a romantic relationship), but that's the closest we come to labeling them.